healthyisalwaysbetter:

dedicaition:

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this. I think about this all week. I never had a boyfriend and I tell myself that I’m young and I don’t need a boyfriend to be ‘happy’ but the last 2 weeks, I really need someone. It’s like I’m alone. I don’t do anything with my friends anymore. The weather is beautiful outside and I’m sitting at home because they are doing other stuff. If I would have a boyfriend, I would be able to talk to him or do things with him. I wouldn’t feel this alone…..

I’m 26. I’ve only been on one date my whole life, and it was an awkward disaster. I also wonder why I’ve been single for so long. I thought maybe it was because of my weight. I wasn’t confident enough because I thought I was….dare I say it? Ugly. And I’m not trying to fish for compliments when I say that. It’s fact. That’s just how I felt. 

I’ve never really put any real priority in having a relationship. It was either I was too afraid, or not ready. I’ve had crushes, but I think it was the fear that kept me from making a move. These days….I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking about having someone. I just want someone to “just go for a walk (maybe a run? *wink*) in the park. Or bake some protein bars with me. Just make his presence felt, and take the stress off and make me feel desired. I also just want to go on an actual date again. Be treated with respect, be picked up at home …” etc. Damn it, I know I don’t NEED someone to make me happy, but these days….I just WANT someone to make me even more happy than I am now. There’s a difference, right? Between needing and wanting? I don’t know. 

Two bad things about this month. My eating habit was horrible, and I failed at the 30 Day Shred. 

I can whine about it like I usually do, or I can get back on track. I’m looking at it like this, I don’t have a due date for my weight loss. This is a life long thing. I have a weight goal, but I don’t have a date on when I should reach that goal by. Maybe I should, but I feel like that’s just putting more pressure on myself than I already have. I mean, sure…I have my cousin’s wedding to look forward to, but that’s not until December. Even if I don’t reach my weight goal by then, I will still be at the best weight my body has ever been in I don’t know how long. I will still rock my bride’s maid dress. =D (I’M SO EXCITED! I’VE NEVER BEEN A BRIDES MAID BEFORE!!!) But yeah, NO RUSH. So I had a couple of bad months. I haven’t quit yet. 

…read other people’s opinion on menstruation? Yes, it’s good to have your period. It means you can have children one day. Good for us. I’m just saying that it’s not fun, and to tell use we’re being stupid for being a little grumpy grinds my gears. Like I said, give those of us who have a hard time with it a little break. Sorry if I complain about it, but GDI some people just don’t fucking understand. IT HURTS.

And here’s another thing…Who the fuck said anything about the “feminist movement” having anything to do with women hating their body, and hating being a woman? Seriously? WTF? I don’t even fucking know…I’m done. SMH.

health-diary:

Hardly anything fits and it all feels baggy and blagh. But I’m trying not to buy too much until just before I go to California. I’m worried that if I buy stuff now, it won’t fit in a month and a half. I mean, if I lose another 6 inches this month, they definitely won’t fit.

I have the same problem. It’s frustrating. I remember months back when I read how @thismakesmedurable was frustrated about everything being baggy. I never imagined that I would be in the same situation. I should be happy about how many inches I’ve lost, but it doesn’t make me happy when I can’t find anything to wear anymore.

One of my co-workers the other day told me I was lucky to be losing so much weight. I beg to differ.

I remember reading a post a while back by Runa, aka runalovegood, when she was getting ready to go to Leakycon. Someone told her she was lucky to be going. She also disagreed with that. She worked hard to earn money to even go to Leakycon. If she was lucky, she would have won an all expenses paid trip to the convention. But she didn’t. I bet it would have been nice, though. =)

Anyway, luck had nothing to do with my weight loss either. I worked hard to get to the weight I am now. It was damn hard work, and for someone think of it of just plain old luck is disheartening to me because it’s like they just totally disregard all the hard work I put/am putting in. 

I’m sure the person thought they meant it as a compliment, but I just really want people to realize that losing weight requires hard work. There’s no quick fix, and luck has nothing to do with it. It’s not up to the hand that draws your name out of a hat. It’s up to you to make the decision to lose weight, become fit, and eat healthy. 

I now it does no good to dwell on the bad stuff, but I need to rant about a few things…so here I go:

1) Amelia chewed her collar again. Now I have to buy another $16 dollar collar. On the plus side, I’ve been meaning to get her a more durable collar…and my mom is offering to buy it for her. So I guess I can’t complain too much there. I’m just so tired of Amelia chewing stuff up! When do pups outgrow this? Do they ever?!

2) My BEST FRIEND just told me some news that I didn’t even know about until now. Um…like the fact that her boyfriend has already moved here from Kurdistan, and they LIVE TOGETHER in a house that THEY BOUGHT, and THEY GOT MARRIED IN COURT, and now they’re inviting me to their RECEPTION DINNER. WHAT?! My BEST FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL, people. I’m just finding out about this now, why? We work in the same facility, and we see each other during shift change almost everyday, and she springs all this on my NOW?! I don’t know whether I should be happy for her, or mad that I didn’t know any of this of MY BEST FRIEND. But I know that being mad about it makes it about me, and it’s not about me. It’s about her. So….I really am happy for her.

3) I just binged on Crunch Berries, and I don’t know why! A promise to just have a small handful was a deadly mistake, because a small handful turned into a lot of small handfuls. FML. I’ll be drinking water all day. =(

So…on Saturday, I came out to one of my friends. I honestly don’t know what came over me to tell her. Maybe it was the Caribou Lou and the Midori Sour I had that day coursing through my system, or the fact that we were in a Gay bar smack dab in the middle of Capitol Hill. I’m not quite sure if I’m happy that I was finally able to share this side of myself to my friend, but I feel kind of paranoid…and a little more self conscious now. I mean, I told her that just because I also like the same sex doesn’t mean that I’m attracted to every girl I come across. I just hope she doesn’t start to feel uncomfortable around me. Although, we are hanging out again on Thursday to watch the Lucky One, and mutually swoon over Zac Efron. ^.^

…sucks!!! On one hand, I want to workout. I was planning on going to kickboxing, lifting weights, then go on the elliptical for 45 minutes while I watch Felicity on my phone. On the other hand, I’m so very tired from work. I just have zero energy right now. All I want to do is continue re-watching Felicity on Netflix, and maybe sleep super early. I don’t want to make excuses, but I just…I don’t know if I NEED a break today, or I SHOULD take a break today. Is there a difference? Someone tell me it’s OK? I’ve probably asked that before, but I feel like I’m doing something bad by not working out today. 

curvecreation:

Let it go. Don’t hold onto that anger, that inner hurt…it’s not worth it. Just let it go and forgive yourself. Take the time to sit, calm down and think about what just happened. Find your triggers. Learn the lesson life has given you.

And above all else try not to take your frustrations out on your body. It’s not your bodies fault. It doesn’t make you fat or disgusting. It doesn’t make you worthless. It makes you human. It means you are capable of emotion. It means that you want to change.

Forgiveness and acceptance are two big steps in personal growth and beating the binge. Try to let it go. Because you’re beautiful and I just wanted you to know that.